Words Inc.

I don’t think I will ever muster up enough words (energy, ambition, enthusiasm) to last an entire book. The very prospect of making the transition from paragraphs to pages bores (scares) me. However, I would like to contribute to the world of literature in my own little way. We at blimblop do hereby announce the sale of our services as “Sentence Writers”. We are willing to part with a choice few of our beautifully crafted lines of prose for a nominal fee. So whether you are a) an aspiring writer, b) an established one or c) any miscellaneous variety poised uncomfortably between a) and b) I think you will find our products immeasurably valuable.
Our sentences are versatile and can be customised to accommodate, among other things – rhyme, music, graphic sexual imagery (extra charges apply), jokes, inappropriate language AND long complicated words that only those appearing for the GRE can comprehend.
Best employed in the no-man’s land between one dramatic scene and the other (i.e. the parts that no one reads anyway) or between one twist in the tale and the next (i.e. stuff that never makes it to the blurb) our sentences can slide in unobtrusively between the protagonists’ multiple moments of cathartic self realisation (the more the better) adding considerable girth to your labour of love without necessarily detracting from its worth.

And as if the advertisement isn’t persuasive enough thus far, we are enclosing some illustrations of the creative talents of our editorial team. No one does a simile or metaphor quite like us. First 5 callers get one+one free!
- My helplessness disgusted her. She looked at me pitifully and offered to help. Her words had the forced sincerity of a prostitute’s orgasm.
- Who knew smiles and polite laughter could be so tiring? You’d find more charisma in a head of organic certified lettuce. It was exhausting just to look at him.
- She knew she had made a major boo-boo. The challenge of concealing her embarrassment made her cringe and wring her hands in agony. The very hands that had committed a faux pas as inconspicuous as J Lo’s bottom.
- How mind numbingly boring that town was. A lively conversation was as elusive as politicians in mid-term.
- Everyone tried to talk him out of it. She was a woman of loose morals with a history of infidelity. Expecting her to be loyal was like expecting a banker to be imaginative. (inside joke)
- Their intentions were noble. But there is only so much you can do with someone who has the latent sex appeal of a Zoo Zoo. All efforts to beautify her were to no avail.

We have expanded our creative repertoire with a recent foray into dialogue composition. For eg.
- “Everything has collapsed”, she cried out in exasperation. “I should have known better than to hand over the reins to someone with the intelligence levels of senior management”

.So go on... script that Pulitzer worthy book of yours, craft the storyline, pour in the hours and squeeze out the emotion. Whatever it takes – Blood, sweat, tears, repeat doses of illegal narcotics etc.
Just leave the uncomfortable silences to us. Such trivialities are best outsourced to those adequately equipped to handle them. Isn’t capitalism beautiful?
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This post is dedicated to anyone who thinks sentences are delicious.
And to PPP on account of being deliciously left-of-centre. Also on account of being delicious.