Apocalypse Now, or somewhere around the corner

It amazes me, the stuff that passes for news these days. Yesterday I walked into the T.V. room to discover that news channel ‘X’ had declared that the world was coming to an end (I kid you not). In no less than 5 years mind you.

“…paanch saal mein pralay aane vaala hai!”

In the midst of helpless giggles, rolling on the floor and general merriment we all realised that we, at the ripe age of 22, must ready ourselves for certain death and destruction. Reconcile ourselves to not having done any of the stupendous things we were otherwise intended to do. That we’d have to pack what would have been a lifetime’s worth of life and living into 5 years…

We also realised that none of us had boyfriends…

It amazes me how many if not most conversations eventually wind themselves down to this very subject. Whether it’s a comparative analysis of the merits of facebook versus the now jaded appeal of orkut or a vituperative diatribe against the steadily deteriorating quality of the laddoos we get for dessert. Whether we discuss movies or clothes or music or the weather…stock exchange fluctuations or UFOs. It somehow always becomes about boys… or lack thereof.

The discourse that follows has several clearly defined stages:-

1. Whining: This stage is not content specific. It’s more of a voice modulation thing… nasally and sing song sounds are its defining characteristics. But it is easily the most versatile of all the stages spanning a wide spectrum of themes e.g. frustration, boredom, confusion, loneliness, horniness and advanced cases of frustration, boredom, confusion…etc. Serves to spell out the problem in it’s entirety.

2. Introspection and General Speculation (a.k.a the “what could the reason be/could it be me?” stage): This is the preliminary dissection stage. May see the proposal of several plausible hypotheses and an attempt to discern the true reasons for solitude. We’re all still fairly rational at this point (or seem to be).

3. Denial I: Talk of the nature of “all men we know are either blind, gay or taken… there couldn’t be a more logical explanation”. The point is to highlight as many possible and even remotely convincing arguments to illustrate that one’s single status is nothing more than the successful outcome of an evil conspiracy hatched and put into action by the collective efforts of all forces of nature and miscellaneous troublemaking elements.

4. Transient Hopefulness: This stage features a sudden inexplicable mood upturn. Side effects may include efforts to enumerate prospective targets at whom feminine wiles should be strategically aimed for desired result: instant boyfriendification. A listing of worthy candidates. The duration of this stage is a function of the supporting environment. If you’re in dschool it can be wrapped up in a matter of seconds. In dschool sufferer lexicon we refer to it as “temporary and short-lived insanity”.

5. Denial II: Best captured by statements of the form “I don’t really need a boyfriend, I mean who has the time anyway?” or “I really value my independence and a man would constitute a drag on my autonomy” and better still, “I’m still young, there’s plenty of time for all that stuff”. This stage is actually a bit of a conundrum. Some say it exists other deny it vehemently. Some say the reasons are true and others rubbish their genuineness. Further investigation required.

6. Realisation and Much Lamentation: The keen eye alone can distinguish this from stage 1. Tell-tale signs include loud exasperated complaining and griping about how all the men in the world are indeed, “blind or gay or taken” and how we are all destined to die lonely spinsters only to be mourned by our faithful legions of domesticated felines and fowl.

7. Exhaustion and Collapse: (Title self explanatory)

As our short and seemingly miserable lives draw to a much dreaded close I see us performing the above sequence with far greater frequency than is normally observed. Perhaps the need of the hour will help snap us out of inaction and one of us will actually do something about it. Take the bull by it’s horns and actually manage to ensnare some unsuspecting fool. Snap a good catch from the allegedly plentiful sea.

As for me, I think I’ve sweet-talked myself into an advanced stage of apparent indifference. When it comes to a choice between complaining about the void in my life as opposed to the scary prospect of actually doing something to remedy the situation, the former wins every time. Blame it all on a potent mix of laziness and insecurity that lead up to the most chronic case of inertia ever.

If the impending apocalypse makes for a pressing enough need and I don't have the luxury to wait for a knight in white shining armour on his noble steed, I suppose I’ll just settle for one of the 4 horsemen…