It had all the ingredients for a perfect day. That was of course before it actually began.

[Apologies to readership (yes, I mean all 4 of you). I had really meant to make this light and chirpy. But I’m exhausted and the sentiment that comes most naturally to this state is melancholy. As I see it, I might as well indulge my gloominess while I have the luxury of time to describe it at great lengths. In the coming month, I see myself as too busy to even complain.]

I had meticulously planned every precious second leading up to when I would finally relinquish some tedious tasks and slip away quietly into my own company. And then the world would be my oyster… I had a destination in mind, I had a plan. To immerse myself in a sea of strangers.

[There is something strangely comforting about being in close proximity to people you have never met and don’t know. They acknowledge your existence but never for long enough for it to matter. You’re an insignificant blob that serves little purpose other than warming the seat next to them in the metro, being an obstruction when they’re in a hurry to get past you on the footpath and a potential source of entertainment if your conversations (with others or yourself) can be eavesdropped upon.

And most importantly, they don’t ask questions. They ask for directions, they ask for the time, they ask for you to shove yourself out of their way… all of which can be satisfied with mechanical and fairly dispassionate responses]

I woke up on the right side of the bed, that too in time for an excellent early morning shower. I decided to debut a recently acquired kurta… a perfectly resplendent shade of pink. I wore the prettiest of smiles. I looked quite beautiful, if I do say so myself.

[And what the hell… I’ll just go ahead and say it myself. There is only so long that one can wait for someone else to notice.]

Work was to wrap up early, which is just as well because I had lined up recreational pursuits for the evening. And the weather Gods were on my side too, today was the one pleasant day in December. It had all the ingredients of a perfect date with… myself, arguably one of my favourite people.

[I laugh at all my jokes, am very attentive to my needs and extremely patient with my bouts of indecision. I also always notice when I’ve lost weight, never forget my own birthday and if I had the money I’d buy myself flowers frequently. I’m the person I most like making conversation with (much to the embarrassment and bewilderment of people who catch me in the act). In short, I’m a good catch, for myself]

This is the part when I describe how my plans for the day went horribly and terribly awry. But I’d rather not do that. Let’s just say that it wasn’t an altogether perfect day. Most things went wrong; some slightly wrong and others immeasurably. Unpleasant things were said about me and to me; some slightly unpleasant and others… well the others just hurt…plain and simple. If it wasn’t for my stubborn pride I could have wept.

I settled for a long walk home and a stop at Nirula’s en-route for a cup of coffee.

[I usually just go there to use the conveniences. But the place looked really empty this evening. And given that all of DU has shut shop for the winter, their numbers are likely to take a sizable hit. I don’t know why but I felt bad. Like I had to make up for all the lost business. That and shamelessly using the loo on an all too regular basis. Even if it means consuming super sweet and milky Georgia coffee]

Close of work was unexpectedly delayed and my grand plans lay in tatters. But I can’t help but wonder if I deliberately sabotaged an opportunity to enjoy free time. I could just have put my foot down, said, “enough” and just marched off.

Maybe I’ve grown tired of myself and would rather be engaged with these odious tasks rather than spend time with me. Perhaps I fear solitude because all I do with it is dwell on the 6 million things that still need to done and the 6 billion things still left to be worked out.

I enjoy my own company less and less these days and it makes for a difficult proposition. Because it is easy to be alone, with no one around but myself. In fact, most times it comes naturally and voluntarily. But now, I don’t want to be with myself either.

And that can be quite lonely…