tete-a-tete

These dinner table conversations will be the death of me. They’re not even conversations really. More like a banal exchange of sounds, the only purpose of which is to make the silence sound…well…less silent. And you’d think our imaginations had gone comatose, there are so pitifully few topics for discussion. In fact I think I can summarize every conversation I’ve had with certain people in the hostel under two broad headings:-

1. food
2. studies

I don’t know what could possibly be so mystifying about these two subjects, but the regularity with which they feature in hostel discourse would suggests a fierce obsession which for me is inexplicable (not that I don’t love food, but I’d rather eat it rather than jabber about it endlessly). Either that or an acute shortage of anything else to talk about.

One would say I’m being needlessly harsh, it is sort of natural to discuss food at the dinner table. And I totally agree, my standards would be way too exacting if I did not permit epicurean chit-chat while indulgence in any gastronomical activities. What is unnatural is if THAT IS ALL YOU CAN EVER TALK ABOUT.

It comes in lots of shapes and sizes and variants, following are illustrations:

“the food sucks yaar, why can’t they just cook, I mean its not rocket science?”

or

“I ate sooo much yaar I think I’m going to burst, look at my tummy. Ughh I need to diet!”

why just last night I was dragged into one such an exchange

“hey would you like an extra laddoo? I’m really quite full”

what the annoying worm wanted me to say in response,

“why, why…(broad sly grin)…dieting kya? Generally ke for someone special…”(more sly moronic grinning followed by moronic giggling)

what I chose to say,
“no”

the response I would have liked,

“ok!” (exclamation mark optional)

instead, the response I got,

“but your plate is so khali! You’re on a diet I’m sure…I’m sure… I’m sure”

Worm’s desired response

“arre no re, who do I have to diet for?” (giggles of an exceedingly moronic type to follow)

My response,

“no”

and then people wonder why I complain so much… the astute observer will note that the subject of diets and boys does feature quite frequently as well. But I think diets can be subsumed under the larger classification of “food and related topics” and as for the significance of boys, though a popular fallback option, their importance pales in comparison to that of eating.

Discussions on padhai also follow roughly the same pattern, though with far fewer instances of those moronic giggle fits-

“how much have you done?”

or better still, “how much have you done? I’ve done nothing yaar” (severe breathlessness in lieu of giggles)

“whats with the teachers at d-school yaar, why can’t they just set simple straightforward papers?” (best delivered in nasal whines)

“d-school sucks, all we ever do is study”

…you get my drift.

But of late I manage to subdue most babblers by cold vibes, subdue them to silence followed by rapid chewing and swallowing and a stealthy escape to anywhere outside a 5 metre radius of myself. The coldness varies with how intellectually damaging a direction I feel the conversation is going.

“hey this gobi sucks…so oily…eesh” vibe-o-meter reads: room temperature

“I really feel we should have a meeting and discuss this food issue” vibe-o-meter: cool bordering on indifference

“so when are your exams ending? ” vibe-o-meter reads: cool bordering on mildly icy

“so when are your exams ending? Oh right you have rohini’s course, that’s the last paper in the time table right? 26th if I’m not mistaken?” vibe-o-meter reads: decidedly icy

“how are we ever going to complete this course yaar?” vibe-o-meter: frigid

this last cold vibe type is especially effective at getting the desired response: single minded mastication followed by hasty retreat.

so far I’d say that its been bearable. And the bright side is that at least it gives me something to chew on in my free time, some food for thought (astute observer will note the repeated use of bad food related puns, I’m a victim of the circumstances). Writing about it makes the whole experience slightly less tedious. But the worst is yet to come. In fact it is sort of already manifesting itself slowly and sneakily. Magic topic number three.

3. placements

vibe-o-meter reads: sub-zero

desired response: teleportation/spontaneous combustion